A painful confession.

I need to be honest. I’m just going to say it. After over three years of not self harming, I relapsed yesterday and today. I’m not doing well. I am not okay. I know I need to ask for help before it gets worse but it’s hard to even admit to it here.

That was easy..

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired.”

“Okay. We’ll leave you alone”

“Thank you.”

 

Sometimes all people need is some space.

What You Put Out, Must Be You.. Yes?

thetriflingvagrant

No.

It’s a harsh reality we live in where the only depth of a person we know is what they choose to dish out to the world; for an example, I post some sad things, some gloomy things, some have even put it as, “a bit serious for my age.” The truth is yes, at a fundamental level I do believe the things I put into the world, and sometimes I do drown in a puddle of bitter-sweetness called emotions; and if you want to consider me a one-dimensional person you may think I’m completely burdened by my life. The truth is that -as a dimensional human being like everyone else that rests on this planet- I’m not all doom and gloom; it’s human nature to rant about your day, and drawing and writing are both therapeutic ways for me to vent. I’m sorry that I find it difficult to…

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Doubting Religion

I haven’t wrote in a while but as of lately I don’t know where else to turn. I am lost.

As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, I have been raised in a Christian home and in the church. I have always been 110% sure God exists, until the beginning of this year.

I began feeling very frustrated that I could not grow spiritually no matter how much I wanted it. I lived in a continuous vicious cycle of trying to become a better christian and failing. For years, this is how I lived.

I confided in a youth leader and she advised me to keep trying and that if I do not feel connected with God than it is because I do not read my Bible.

So I challenged myself. I read my Bible everyday for a month. I journaled the first bit but as time went on throughout the month I became less motivated. I read the verse to read the verse but less motivation and effort went into it. Nothing changed that month.

Not long after this my lovely grandma passed away. She did not believe in any religion and the thought of such a good person such as my grandma going to hell, just because she did not believe in Jesus, was upsetting to me.

I began doubting on my own. It all very quickly seemed so phony to me and sometimes it still does. Does a man dying and being raised from the dead for my sins really make sense? How is communion not representing cannibalism? Is there really a big God in the Heavens that just simply loves me? Is there really a devil out to get me? How do we really know the Bible is real? How does this not sound like a fairy tale of some sort?

I began to see that there is so much more outside of the world of religion and began to wonder if I have been deceived. Have I been tricked to blindly believe what I’ve been taught my whole life? I don’t even know what is true and what is real and what is not. Everything has become so unclear.

As I began to weigh both outcomes to the decision I have to face; I became stuck. This consumed my mind. I became burdened by a life changing decision that could possibly affect my afterlife for all of eternity. How do I not feel pressured? How do I not feel consumed by anxiety, confusion and fear? Has all I ever been taught a lie? Panic-ridden, I broke out in rashes caused by stress. I found myself randomly sobbing on my bedroom floor in the middle of the day because I just need my mind to stop. Even at night, I sob, just needing a break.

I, again, reach out to a youth leader for help. He advised me to “just chill.” Enjoy life and take it one day at a time. It was honestly just what I needed to hear. As I would expect, I was scared I would get the “Well, you could die tonight so get it sorted out” response. However, fortunately, this was not the case.

Since this discussion, I have began to not let it consume me. I don’t know if I have not thought about it as much simply because I have began to decide that I do not believe or because I just don’t care anymore. Though, I still do try.. I try to connect with God through music or I try to pray hoping maybe He will magically prove to me He exists. However, I have began to coast.

Questions still cross my mind.

If I choose to believe, what then?

Do I go back to trying and failing consistently?

Would I ever be good enough?

If I don’t believe anymore, what if I am wrong?

I still don’t know the answers to these questions. They do still tend to bother me. I don’t know what the next step is.

A part of me feels relief at the thought of there not being a God. I would not have to worry about Heaven and hell or whether I’m sinning or not sinning or if I am truly saved. However, another part of me feels relief at the thought of there being a God. I would no longer have these doubts and questions. You see, sometimes, questioning is hard and believing what you’ve been taught would be the easy way. However, I am not going to dedicate my entire life to a religion just because it is what I have been taught and questioning it is too hard.

Maybe, this is what I need. To figure things out for myself. To question, no matter how hard it is.. that way I really know that whatever decision I choose to make, it is my decision.

I just hope I make the right one.

30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge: Master List

All that I am, all that I ever was...

Recently, Marci from Marci, Mental Health and More posted a 30 Day Self Harm Awareness Challenge she discovered on the TeenLineOnline forum. As I am trying to blog more frequently than I have of late (and as my recent depressive episode has seen a return to self-harm behaviour) I’ve decided the time is right to take on this challenge.

Below is the master list of topics you can expect to see covered over the coming weeks:

  1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you started.
  2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
  3. What is your motivation to recover?
  4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? Why or why not?
  5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
  6. What about it do you enjoy?
  7. List 10 activities that help you calm down.
  8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?

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Follow your dreams…

“Follow your dreams”, they say.

Until you’re 18 and you just aren’t cut out for eight years of college!”

“Follow your dreams”, they say.

Until they laugh at your career choice.

“Follow your-…well, maybe you should choose something more realistic, don’t you think?”

If I were to get married..

If I were to get married..  More

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