Doubting Religion

I haven’t wrote in a while but as of lately I don’t know where else to turn. I am lost.

As I have mentioned in one of my previous posts, I have been raised in a Christian home and in the church. I have always been 110% sure God exists, until the beginning of this year.

I began feeling very frustrated that I could not grow spiritually no matter how much I wanted it. I lived in a continuous vicious cycle of trying to become a better christian and failing. For years, this is how I lived.

I confided in a youth leader and she advised me to keep trying and that if I do not feel connected with God than it is because I do not read my Bible.

So I challenged myself. I read my Bible everyday for a month. I journaled the first bit but as time went on throughout the month I became less motivated. I read the verse to read the verse but less motivation and effort went into it. Nothing changed that month.

Not long after this my lovely grandma passed away. She did not believe in any religion and the thought of such a good person such as my grandma going to hell, just because she did not believe in Jesus, was upsetting to me.

I began doubting on my own. It all very quickly seemed so phony to me and sometimes it still does. Does a man dying and being raised from the dead for my sins really make sense? How is communion not representing cannibalism? Is there really a big God in the Heavens that just simply loves me? Is there really a devil out to get me? How do we really know the Bible is real? How does this not sound like a fairy tale of some sort?

I began to see that there is so much more outside of the world of religion and began to wonder if I have been deceived. Have I been tricked to blindly believe what I’ve been taught my whole life? I don’t even know what is true and what is real and what is not. Everything has become so unclear.

As I began to weigh both outcomes to the decision I have to face; I became stuck. This consumed my mind. I became burdened by a life changing decision that could possibly affect my afterlife for all of eternity. How do I not feel pressured? How do I not feel consumed by anxiety, confusion and fear? Has all I ever been taught a lie? Panic-ridden, I broke out in rashes caused by stress. I found myself randomly sobbing on my bedroom floor in the middle of the day because I just need my mind to stop. Even at night, I sob, just needing a break.

I, again, reach out to a youth leader for help. He advised me to “just chill.” Enjoy life and take it one day at a time. It was honestly just what I needed to hear. As I would expect, I was scared I would get the “Well, you could die tonight so get it sorted out” response. However, fortunately, this was not the case.

Since this discussion, I have began to not let it consume me. I don’t know if I have not thought about it as much simply because I have began to decide that I do not believe or because I just don’t care anymore. Though, I still do try.. I try to connect with God through music or I try to pray hoping maybe He will magically prove to me He exists. However, I have began to coast.

Questions still cross my mind.

If I choose to believe, what then?

Do I go back to trying and failing consistently?

Would I ever be good enough?

If I don’t believe anymore, what if I am wrong?

I still don’t know the answers to these questions. They do still tend to bother me. I don’t know what the next step is.

A part of me feels relief at the thought of there not being a God. I would not have to worry about Heaven and hell or whether I’m sinning or not sinning or if I am truly saved. However, another part of me feels relief at the thought of there being a God. I would no longer have these doubts and questions. You see, sometimes, questioning is hard and believing what you’ve been taught would be the easy way. However, I am not going to dedicate my entire life to a religion just because it is what I have been taught and questioning it is too hard.

Maybe, this is what I need. To figure things out for myself. To question, no matter how hard it is.. that way I really know that whatever decision I choose to make, it is my decision.

I just hope I make the right one.

Being raised in the church..

Before I type up this post I want to say a couple disclaimers. Though, there are negative aspects of being raised in the church, I am very grateful to have been very involved in the church and raised in a Christian home.